Safe

In so many ways, Matt was my best friend. He has known me for over 12 years. There is so much we have in common. So much we don't. History. Secrets. The list goes on.....

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Every year I attend an Oscar party. I try to see at least a few of the big nominees. Tonight I scrolled through the On Demand options. I had homework to do. I had a glass of wine. Maddy finally fell asleep. I didn't want anything too serious. Or emotional. I learned my lesson with Crazy Stupid Love where I cried turning the pages of my wedding album for two hours after the credits rolled.

So I picked Moneyball. Brad Pitt. A nice sports feel good movie. Excellent choice. Holy fucking shit was I wrong. I made it about an hour before I lost my shit.

Because you see, sports. Thats our thing. Matt and me. We love sports. We were raised on sports. It's in our blood. Sunday morning ESPN is our religion. I loved that about us. And was proud to see our daughter raised by someone who valued the idea of sports as much as me.

I must have reached for my phone 15 times. I wanted to text him. I wanted to share a moment. To tell him he NEEDS to watch this movie. And for the first time. In a long time. I wanted him sitting next to me on the couch.

But a love of sports doesn't make a marriage any more than clean dishes do.

I hate him for calling me worthless. I hate him for his issues. I hate him for knowing all of my faults and reminding me that I am just as much to blame as he is.

And yet, I still want to call him. To be my friend. Because I can't imagine my life without him. But I won't. Its not fair. To anyone.

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It feels good to know that it wasn't all bad. We definitely had our moments.