I do.
We know what these words mean. Forever. Love. Commitment. Marriage. I thought I had that. Turns out I didn't. Recently Matt has revealed that there were many times in our relationship that he was not in love with me. His honesty was refreshing. But heartbreaking. Because I thought for sure he had been in love. With me. That he wanted no one else. And to be mine forever. Always.
But he didn't. I had to know when. Because heartbreak just begs to have misery as company.
He didn't fall in love with me until (he thinks) the day we got married. Not when he asked me to marry him. Not when we got pregnant on accident and lost the baby. Not when he drove 8 hours to show up on my door step with groceries in college. No, not until very later. Long after my heart ached for him to be with me. Not until August 18, 2007. But he said the words. Oh he said the words, over and over. And played the part as best he could. He didn't want me to leave him.
So today. On this rainy Sunday afternoon. Tears streaming down his face, proclaiming his love for me. 3 weeks since the big talk. I don't believe him. I don't believe things will get better. He is a good person. He deserves better. We deserve better. I have to believe there can be better. But I don't.
But this is what I do know. I am not in love with him.
(Sigh)
Writing this out feels good. It also feels bad. This is my secret. My marriage has been rocky since August 18, 2007. And I have been pushed to my limit. The last year or so, I have asked the question to others "What is your limit?". Everyone is different. No one can answer the question. They say you'll know. Trust them. You will. My limit broke on December 4th, 2011. My heart knew I needed to leave. It took awhile for my brain to catch up.
I won't put a label on my marriage. Call it abusive. Call it nasty. Call it bad communication. Irreconcilable differences. Wrong decisions. The road less traveled. The land of fucked-up-ness. Call it whatever you want. This isn't what I wanted. No one wants this.
So there you have it. I wish I knew how this story is going to end. But I don't. I can only hope, and pray and wish upon a star that I don't fuck things up. In the meanwhile. I'll start another savings account for Madelynn called "future therapy sessions".
5 comments:
I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm sending lots of hugs. You'll make it through just fine - I know it.
Hugs!!!
I'm so sorry! {hug}
Sending hugs your way. You are an amazingly strong woman.
*hugs* Michelle! It took courage for you to share with the entirety of the internet, You have massive amounts of respect from me for doing so. You must know in your heart that this is the best decision for your entire family. Including Mini M, who deserves two happy parents.
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