Isn't She Lovely!

Safe

2012-01-28T22:45:00.000-08:00

In so many ways, Matt was my best friend. He has known me for over 12 years. There is so much we have in common. So much we don't. History. Secrets. The list goes on.....

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Every year I attend an Oscar party. I try to see at least a few of the big nominees. Tonight I scrolled through the On Demand options. I had homework to do. I had a glass of wine. Maddy finally fell asleep. I didn't want anything too serious. Or emotional. I learned my lesson with Crazy Stupid Love where I cried turning the pages of my wedding album for two hours after the credits rolled.

So I picked Moneyball. Brad Pitt. A nice sports feel good movie. Excellent choice. Holy fucking shit was I wrong. I made it about an hour before I lost my shit.

Because you see, sports. Thats our thing. Matt and me. We love sports. We were raised on sports. It's in our blood. Sunday morning ESPN is our religion. I loved that about us. And was proud to see our daughter raised by someone who valued the idea of sports as much as me.

I must have reached for my phone 15 times. I wanted to text him. I wanted to share a moment. To tell him he NEEDS to watch this movie. And for the first time. In a long time. I wanted him sitting next to me on the couch.

But a love of sports doesn't make a marriage any more than clean dishes do.

I hate him for calling me worthless. I hate him for his issues. I hate him for knowing all of my faults and reminding me that I am just as much to blame as he is.

And yet, I still want to call him. To be my friend. Because I can't imagine my life without him. But I won't. Its not fair. To anyone.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

It feels good to know that it wasn't all bad. We definitely had our moments.

WIW - 1 month down for 2012

2012-01-26T11:08:00.000-08:00

Today I weighed in at 147.5.

After going back and forth, I settled on 140 as my final goal weight (for now). 7.5 lbs to go. I don't feel like I'm "dieting" right now. But I'm still losing. Hoping that my body will even out in the process because I don't feel like I need to eat any more every day. I hope thats how it works. I indulge at times, I drink alcohol at times. I workout more when I need to but stay active no matter what. I feel good about this plan.

Why set this goal? When I hit 140... I'm going to buy myself some skinny jeans.... because the ones I am wearing today don't fit! Yeehaw!

Be aggressive.B-E aggressive.

2012-01-24T22:24:00.000-08:00

I've decided to continue my weight loss journey as far as it will take me. Looking back on old posts, I never thought I'd reach 30 lbs. it seemed so far away.

My life is a little hectic right now, but I'm doing everything in my power to stay on track. I know in the end I'll be happier for doing so.

A look into my crazy life:

4:55 alarm 1. Hit snooze
5:10 alarm 2. Get up. Shower dress.
5:50 make breakfast (2-4 points), start lunches and zero point bag snacks.
6:15 wake up Maddy, shove food in her mouth, throw clothes on her or let her where her pajama shirt to school with a sweatshirt to hide the drool stains.
6:30 the Time I should be leaving the house
6:50 the time I do leave after 2-3 tantrums. Maddy is not a morning person.
7:20 school drop off.
7:45 work
By 10 am I try to eat a banana
11:30 pre-lunch salad
12:15 lunch
1:30 as the afternoon goes on, I find myself hungry almost every hour.
1:45 apple
2:30 pear
3:45 carrots
4:15 12 almonds

5:16 leave work
5:17 sit in traffic. (note I live less than 4 miles from work)
5:50 arrive at home. daddy has picked up Maddy, Dumbo is on, my house is already a disaster.
6:00 start dinner.
6;40 serve dinner (late!!!)
7:00 discuss marriage/separation/divorce/emotional mumbl jumbo. We are crazy, but it's a daytonday process in realizing.
7:30 bath time (daddy)
7:30 work out on elliptical
7;40 get off elliptical per screaming naked toddler's request
7:42 get back on
7:48 get off to have toddler read book to me (cute!)
7:50 finally back on for good. House is quiet.
8:30 done with workout and caught up on Daily Show with Jon Stewart
8:31 see toddler in doorway, escort back to bed
8:40 open laptop. Start Eminent Domain paper.
8:55 Seriously. wTF. Kid is up.
8:57 AGAIN!
9;01 Just go sleep in mommy's bed!!!!!!
9:02 kid passes out in my bed.
9;55 finish homework
9:57 play words with friends
10:05 sit down on couch.
10:06 realize its 10 pm already
10:20 in bed. Yawn.

I meant to do snacks tonight like I mean to every night, but forgot. I feel a bit crazy but going to sleep should make me feel better. Plus tomorrow is WIW and I'm feeling good about it!!

Good night!

Who likes a good baseball metaphor?

2012-01-23T12:20:00.000-08:00

Hi there! Its me, Michelle. Over here in left field.

I've gotten a couple of emails about the randomness of my last post. I know right? Where the fuck did that come?! Or maybe you are like HELLO! Michelle out there in left field? Why are you eating the grass and not seeing the mess that desperately needs to be dealt with?

(get it? FYI. Thats the extent of my baseball metaphor.)

Let me tell you something about the internet. It is little like real life. You can't kick facebook in the balls. You can try, but I doubt it has the same affect as real life. I'm pretty sure I've posted before about trying to figure out my place in this very tiny space called My Blog. My blog is censored by many outside influences. If I had my choice I would share everything. Yep everything. Even how gosh darn heavy my period was last week.

(Hi, my name is Michelle and I'm an over-sharer).

Out of respect and fear of being judged, I have held back. From the internet, from my family, from my friends, even my very best friends... and even me.

I promise not to make this blog a long list of cliche sayings, but fuck. The truth hurts. And being the negative drama filled couple of a group bites. Some times you just suck it up and put on your happy face. Especially when you do really like the other half of your marriage. I mean, Matt is a great guy. You should meet him. He'll probably make you laugh and then clean your dishes for you.

But I think people can see through if they want to. They can see others struggle and try to help out as best they can.

The only person who has known the truth. The whole truth. Is our counselor. She has walked us through the last two years, trying to help both matt and I find happiness, respect, love, kindess...and all that other lovey dovey deep emotional stuff. But she's also helped us work on ourselves. To be honest. And fuck. The truth really hurts. Admitting that you treat someone a certain way because you are not in love with them, is a pretty damn hard thing to come to terms with. Let alone say outloud.

I've protected the ones I love. And I stand by my decisions. Because I still love them. Even Matt.
I wish clean dishes could make a marriage work.

You probably think this song is about you.

2012-01-22T16:46:00.000-08:00

I do.

We know what these words mean. Forever. Love. Commitment. Marriage. I thought I had that. Turns out I didn't. Recently Matt has revealed that there were many times in our relationship that he was not in love with me. His honesty was refreshing. But heartbreaking. Because I thought for sure he had been in love. With me. That he wanted no one else. And to be mine forever. Always.

But he didn't. I had to know when. Because heartbreak just begs to have misery as company.

He didn't fall in love with me until (he thinks) the day we got married. Not when he asked me to marry him. Not when we got pregnant on accident and lost the baby. Not when he drove 8 hours to show up on my door step with groceries in college. No, not until very later. Long after my heart ached for him to be with me. Not until August 18, 2007. But he said the words. Oh he said the words, over and over. And played the part as best he could. He didn't want me to leave him.

So today. On this rainy Sunday afternoon. Tears streaming down his face, proclaiming his love for me. 3 weeks since the big talk. I don't believe him. I don't believe things will get better. He is a good person. He deserves better. We deserve better. I have to believe there can be better. But I don't.

But this is what I do know. I am not in love with him.

(Sigh)

Writing this out feels good. It also feels bad. This is my secret. My marriage has been rocky since August 18, 2007. And I have been pushed to my limit. The last year or so, I have asked the question to others "What is your limit?". Everyone is different. No one can answer the question. They say you'll know. Trust them. You will. My limit broke on December 4th, 2011. My heart knew I needed to leave. It took awhile for my brain to catch up.

I won't put a label on my marriage. Call it abusive. Call it nasty. Call it bad communication. Irreconcilable differences. Wrong decisions. The road less traveled. The land of fucked-up-ness. Call it whatever you want. This isn't what I wanted. No one wants this.

So there you have it. I wish I knew how this story is going to end. But I don't. I can only hope, and pray and wish upon a star that I don't fuck things up. In the meanwhile. I'll start another savings account for Madelynn called "future therapy sessions".

HELLO 140's!!!!!!!!!!!

2012-01-18T07:32:00.000-08:00

Let's just scream that from the rooftop together. Ready?

HELLO 140's!!!!!!!!!

I hopped on the scale today nervous. Between my period, some major life changes, starting school, stress at work.... I thought it was going to be a rough January. But I have friends who kept me on track, dragged my butt to new and weird exercise classes, and most importantly reminded me that I CAN make my goal. Dropping to the next 10's of digits is really exciting. But dropping to 148.6?!?? Well that is just fan-freaking-tastic. I did a little happy dance all the way from the pantry (where my scale is) to the bathroom (on my way to the shower). I think I'm going to be beaming with a smile all.day.long.

Wooooohoooooooooo! Officially down 31+ lbs.

Where was I?

2012-01-14T21:43:00.000-08:00

14 days into the new year and I feel like its been 6 months. I've been stress eating the last week or so. I need to get back on track.... So tomorrow. Back on it.

On a positive note, I tried this kick ass Yoga class today. I sweated. We olmed (??). 75 min later I had hives, and felt amazing (besides the hives).

Last weigh in of 2011

2011-12-31T09:57:00.000-08:00

Today I weighed in 150.6.

I started this journey back in August weighing 179.8, refusing to ever hit 180 again. My goal for 2011 was to be at 148 and I won't make it. But losing 29.2 lbs is nothing to scoff at. I am so close to the 140's, I can taste it. I am proud of being at 150. I am not ashamed of the weight I was at, and I can't say that I won't ever gain it back. But what I do know is, if and when I need to lose weight.... I can. I pray to never forget that.

2011 leaves me with much to reflect on. I learned a lot about myself this year, mostly the limitless boundaries of what I am capable of. For 2012, I plan to pursue happiness. I don't know if that means I will make my original goal of 45 lbs. It might mean just another 5-7. I hope to find that sweet spot that allows me to live my life, be healthy and feel good.

See you in 2012.

Two exciting things to share today.

2011-12-19T13:09:00.000-08:00

First, I'm wearing a size MEDIUM belt today. YAY ME!

Second, for the first time ever I made dough! I needed to bring cinnamon rolls for Maddy's teachers and thought I'd try out Pioneer Woman's Cinnamon Rolls 101.
One word.
Ohmygodtheselookamazinglyldelicious.

I don't know how I didn't eat them.

Not at all good for the waist line. But they look soooo good. I plan to make AND eat these on xmas morning. Mmmmmmmmmm!

WIW- 16 days to the New Year!

2011-12-14T06:05:00.000-08:00

I am down .4 lbs from Saturday. Total loss is 26.5!!

There are only 16 days left to the new year. I wonder if I can lose 2lbs to make it into the 140's before Jan 1? Might be too hefty of a goal. But I'll do my best!

WIW- Saturday version

2011-12-10T07:24:00.000-08:00

I'm back from Houston and feel great. This trip was so productive and fun. It's been 11 months since I started this new position and things are finally clicking. Plus, I really like some of the people and we are starting to get know each other on a personal level which makes it easier to work together. I even gained a mentor this week. This team lead has had a really great year, and I have a lot of respect for him. We hit it off all week and something just felt right so I took out my big girl pants and just asked him. I think 2012 is going to be an exciting year for my life at CVX. Lots of new things on the horizon.

Now back to WIW, this week was different than every trip I've been on so far. I'm talking all-freaking long day meetings and workshops with evening events pretty much every single night. And we were in Texas, so lots of greasy fried/BBQ'd/breaded fatty foods. Most of the food during the day was catered and not tasty at all. Unfortunately that meant I barely ate during the day. Thank god for the copious amounts of fruit that was served as snacks. Dinner was OK, I was able to find healthy options at every restaurant and indulged in a few glasses of wine. Interestingly enough i was able to get good workouts in all week long. I thought I'd come out even for the week.

So where did that leave me this morning?? Umm. Down 2.9 lbs. That means my total is 26.1 lost. And I hit my 10% WW goal. And I'm 2ish pounds away from breaking the 150 mark (which was my goal for 2011). I feel really really good about how things are trending. Plus my clothes are practically hanging off me. My boobs don't even fill my bras which is sort of hilarious. I feel like a teenager pretending to have bigger breasts. Hopefully Santa will get the memo that Michelle is in desperate need of new clothes.

WIW - Week 15

2011-11-30T08:08:00.000-08:00

Its been 15 weeks since I started. Progress hasn't been perfect, even with great amounts of effort. Im down another 1.8 lbs today so that's a total of 23.2 since I started back in August. But this journey started a long time ago and this morning I reflected on how far I've come. Today, I am... (in order that events happened)

3lbs away from my wedding weight

1 lb below my pre-pregnancy weight. (yeah not even close to looking like that - but at least my mirrors are clean today)

52 lbs lower than my final pregnancy weight

And lets not even count the post-natal steroid bloat. Being on prednsione for 4 months of your pregnancy, only to have it pushed through your veins for 3 straight days..... its just not fair.

I did start attempting to work out quickly after the baby, but when you consume junk food and beer daily to help you cope with being a new mom.... the weight just isn't going to melt off. Wish I could have told this to my 1-week post-pregnancy self. Oh well.

My body has changed so much over the past 7 years. It has carried 3 pregnancies and one to full term. Too many steroids to count have been ingested by my body to help me breathe. My pants are baggy (giving me awesome saggy butt). I have stretch marks all over my belly and hips. My shoulders lean forward a bit from carrying an oversized cute baby/toddler. (lift with legs, not back mommas). My core is shot to hell and I'm working hard to gain it back. So when I took this last picture I was a bit suprised. And happy. That sort of looks like a flat tummy. Sort of. ;-)

My body is not perfect, but I think I can be more proud of this picture than any of those above.

23.2 lbs and counting.

WIW: one day at a time

2011-11-23T08:24:00.000-08:00

Im down another 1.2 lbs today so that's a total of 21.4. That is just fan-freaking-tastic.

I have been really inspired lately by a couple of things. First my WIW group of friends. They cheer me on and push me to make my goals.

Second- Kaiser's new healthy living ad campaign "the backsliders club". Basically the concept that just because you screw up one meal doesn't mean you have to screw up another. Any healthy living is better than none and in the long run it all adds up. I know I'm looking for quick wins and to make goals, but reality is I just want be healthy and live a long and happy life, and I'm thankful for the inspiration that keeps me on track..

Bottom line: find whatever it is that makes you happy and feel healthy and it doesn't have to be perfect.

Turkey day is tomorrow and I'll be out of town. I don't feel like going over my points. But we'll see how the day goes. I'm bring the iPad to do some quick workouts. I also plan to hit up the grocery store to pick up some fruit when we get to Grandma's house. So that's my plan of attack. One day, one meal, one choice at a time. I'll update on how I do!

Hello 150's!!!

2011-11-16T06:27:00.000-08:00

You have no idea how nice it is to see you again.

Today, I hit the 20 lb mark. 20 lbs.... GONE! I am so freaking excited.

How to pick out a workout.

2011-11-10T11:22:00.000-08:00

Great question Laura!

Well first off, I'm all about convenience. My life is busy and I'm guessing most of you are too. We made the leap last year and bought a fancy elliptical for the house. Most days I move it in front of the TV and just go. The TV is my distraction. I catch up on the shows I can't stay up late for like The Daily Show and Parenthood.

Secondly, I'm a victim to today's ADD like attention span so doing exercises in a short amount of time is best for me. Plus some kind of structure or instruction.

On days I know I only have 20-30 min, I do as much as I can on the ellipticial and nothing else. Other days I can take advantage of a full hour or more. I downloaded these awesome apps on my phone and the husbands iPad. Simple. Easy. I like to keep my heart rate going pretty high in fat burning mode and/or end every workout with some cardio. Sometimes I will finish one of the apps then hop back on the elliptical or do the cardio app before moving on to another muscle set. These sets last 5-10 minutes (your choice) which is great if you are really limited on time.

If I can remember I try to rotate the ones I do and let sections of the body have a break, but frankly I know my abs need work so I focus on core training every time I workout. Here's some examples of what I do:

Workout 1	Workout 2	Workout 3	Workout 4
Elliptical (30-40 min)	Elliptical (20 min)	Elliptical (20 min)	Elliptical (30 min)
Abs (5-7.5 min)	Abs (5 min)	Abs (5 min)	Legs (5 min)
Cardio (10 min)	Legs (5 min)	Elliptical (20 min)	Butt (5 min)
	Arms (5 min)		Yoga (5 min)
	Cardio (5 min)		Elliptical (10-20 min)
	Yoga (10 min)
Total Time
45 - 57.5 min	50 min	45 min	50-60 min

Lastly, I'm hoping to get the Dailey Method DVD so I can get a full body workout that includes stretching. I tried the DVD out at a friends, and its worth the $30 +shipping fees if you are into that kind of workout. I mean, I love gyms. The big ones, the little ones and even the outrageously priced studio classes. But my budget just can't afford. Doing it in your home takes some creativity but can really pay off.

A very happy birthday to me!

2011-11-10T06:27:00.000-08:00

Stepped on the scale this morning. I'm back down to 160.1 which means I lost all that extra weight. I'm literally in shock. And sort of crying because this is exactly what I needed to stay super motivated.

Under two pounds to go to hit 20. Absolutely doable before thanksgiving.

45 min later

2011-11-07T17:21:00.000-08:00

Survived my first full workout. 30 minutes on the elliptical. 10 min on the treadmill (only ran for 4 min of it) 5 minutes of abs.

Feels great. I took advantage of my husband-baby-less status and hit the gym BEFORE dinner!

A New Day

2011-11-07T06:13:00.000-08:00

I woke up today in such a better mood. Not sure if I just needed to confess that I haven't been doing great, like I was hiding something. But the self pep talk felt good. I'm on the plane to Houston and still counting points.

On a completely unrelated note, I keep gettin upgraded to first class. No qualms by me, but I find the whole first class experience comical. I'm sitting next to a lady who jut put on her fuzzy leaped slippers. Comical I tell ya.

Please ignore my typos.

2011-11-06T18:08:00.000-08:00

I've been having a problem the last few months with words. I type one thing, but when I go back and look at the word its not the right one. For instance in the last post I intended to write "his weight" but when I published the post and went back to proof again it read "her wait". Sometimes I'm just missing a word completely from the sentence. Or sometimes the word I mis-typed makes absolutely no sense why I would type that. Like once I meant to say education but adventure came out.

Its hard for me to catch. And frustrating. Extremely frustrating when I was writing papers for school. I had to proof read things multiple times and on different days. Is this just a symptom of getting older? Parenthood? Stress?

Major Setbacks

2011-11-06T17:56:00.000-08:00

Hi there. Haven't quite recovered from LA trip yet. And that was almost 3 weeks ago. Other than the flu that knocked me on my ass for a week, I can quite put my finger on the reason I'm lacking motivation. But its definitely not there. I'm not meal planning properly. I'm not counting points consistently. I'm drinking alcohol (OK that sort of makes me sound like an alcoholic but its important right now so I'm just going to put it out there).

Depending on the day I'm about between 2-4 lbs up since the last time I weighed in. I haven't had a loss in awhile. I'm going to miss my birthday goal for sure now. Here's what I'm struggling with:

I got sick. I'm not a chicken broth kind of girl. I'm more of a *I can't taste or smell anything so please get me the most saltiest, sweetest, most savory food you can find* oh yeah and can you please make sure I don't have to put any effort into making it since I can't get off my death couch. And the worst part.... I can't work out. I tried one day. I'm still not 100%. There is a lingering cough (thank you fucked up immune system assisted by asthma) and if I push myself, it will just be no bueno.

Booze. I don't drink during the week. But I do on the weekends. And at family/friend events. Probably more than I should (calorie wise). The biggest downfall booze has for me, is that I usually end up cheating way more than I would without the booze. I'm also working on a theory that booze slows down my metabolism. I really enjoyed my September of not drinking. I know thats not reasonable with the upcoming holidays PLUS my birthday. But I do think there is something there, and that limiting my alcohol intake would benefit my weight loss. I don't know.

Halloween. I like candy. Need I say more? I think I did pretty good here. Avoided buying any chocolate. Donated about half of Maddy's chocolate. But I did eat my way through a nice portion of it.

Rivalry. My husband lost his aggressive momentum and is settling for smaller losses or just maintaining at this point. I really enjoyed the competition between us. He always does this. He'll lose about 25-30 lbs and then he's happy with his weight. But I can't blame him. He can't be the reason I'm doing this. I have to push forward even if it means without him.

I counted points yesterday and went over. I did not count points today but I'm fairly certain I stayed within my range based on what I ate. So now I'm faced with a work trip. I leave for Houston tomorrow morning at 4am. Its only 3 days but I know it can be a set back if I let it.

UGH. I wish this was easier.

The taste of fast food

2011-10-24T18:57:00.000-07:00

I truly do believe there is an addictive taste to the food served at fast food establishments. I for one get intense cravings for McDonald's fries dipped in sweet & sour sauce. Taco Bell was a longstanding go-to for me during college and more recent pregnancy days.

I have avoided fast food since I began this journey. But this past weekend I encountered a long road trip. We were well prepared on the way down to LA and never stopped for fast food. A huge feat! The way back home was longer then expected and a stop at Taco Bell Seemed required. I only got a bean and cheese burrito and taco, but it just wasn't as tasty as I remembered. It didn't feel worth the extra calories or guilt I would later feel if I ate that double decker.

Hoping it means everything is starting to stick and I may be successful when I reach my goals.

When you give a toddler a juice box.

2011-10-24T13:50:00.000-07:00

Expect that you will make 4 trips to the Marshall's bathroom while shoe shopping.

Fad Diets

2011-10-20T13:18:00.000-07:00

Last week I did something stupid. I tried out this "no-sugar-detox diet". Each day it just felt wrong and by Day 6, I was just over it. I was depriving myself of a half a piece of toast? WHY?!?! I admit I was curious, the logic behind the Paleo and other meat/veggie heavy diets intrigues me. But after stepping on the scale and seeing it go UP (the complete opposite of what everyone said it would do) I stopped the madness and went back to what I knew worked. Why mess with a good thing, right?

I know that fad diets don't work. They never have for me. Plus I really want this lifestyle change. I want to make my goal and then be able to live it. And not detox-smash-purge-liquify my way through life anymore.

I decided to focus my efforts on something more important for my family - and after watching Fast Food Nation and then further torturing myself by watching Food Inc again, I'm more motivated then ever. I'd say I'm 50% "organic" now. I can't contribute to most *green* initiatives cause I'm lazy or cheap - but my family isn't fighting the organic-grass fed-hormone free-local-vegan-hippy dancing to the full moon foods so I'm just gonna keep on pushing. =)

WIW

2011-10-19T11:08:00.000-07:00

Today was no change. I'm at 161 and stuck. And on my period. Yay! (insert sarcasm). I remember the last time I broke the 160's it was very very hard. I think I can get settled in "hey size 8/10 isnt so bad" so i have to keep the eye on the ball and look towards the future.

I WILL make it to 150's and beyond.

Today

2011-10-18T11:15:00.000-07:00

Today I am down 17 lbs.
Today I feel like a burger, but will have a WW soup instead.
Today I will have share wine with friends, and I will say no to delicious cheese.
Today my size 10 pants are a little bit looser around the butt.
Today I realized my daughter is starting to know me, as a person.
Today my emotions are unsettled as I watch friends experience the joys and heartbreak of life.
Today I pick up an honors certificate that has my name on it.

Today is just a day. But it feels different. Not particular reason why. It just does.

2011-09-28T07:06:00.000-07:00

Week 6
Goal: 45 lbs.
Down this week 2.9 lbs
Total Pounds Down: 13.9
Pounds to go : 31.1 (ETA - you really shouldn't attempt to do math before 7am)

I don't know what to say about this week. I drank (goodbye sept goal). I was on my period. I ate out more than usual cause it was hot and I was cranky. I did kick up working out a notch. Worked out 6 times. Also have been drinking mass amounts of water.

Regardless, yay me!!

I did get a note from WW saying that I'm losing weight too fast and should consult my Dr. I know the Dr gave me a the a-ok to lose weight but I guess I can shoot him a note, just to be in the clear. I'm not worried though, I think my body has been waiting for this. I'm not doing any crash dieting, and I've always worked out. It feel like I just needed to cut the calories down.

Hello hunger monster.

2011-09-22T13:50:00.000-07:00

Today has not been a good day. I have a touch of a cold and possible PMS. I had to throw out the box of wheat thins that was staring at me, begging me to eat it.

I also ran out of fruit this morning. But I'm too lazy to go to the store.

Blah.

WIW - Hit the 10 lb mark!!!

2011-09-21T06:34:00.000-07:00

Week 5:

Goal: 45 lbs.

Down this week 1.9 lbs

Total Pounds Down: 11.0

Pounds to go : 34.0

Wow..... I feel really good about my loss this week. All of a sudden the next 34 lbs seems doable. I know it will be hard work, but I think my new habits and wonderful support from my husband and friends may get to my goal faster than I thought. Because I'm a set goal/track/measure success kind of gal I'd like set up some new goals.

By xmas (13ish weeks away): down another 15-17. I've got Halloween, my birthday, a slew of friends birthdays and Thanksgiving in there. Not to mention all the holiday parties. My birthday will be a big milestone on this path. I'd like to see me down another 7-9 lbs by then.

ETA: Apparently I can't do math.

And by Maddy's birthday in Feb (8-10 weeks later) : Lose 5-10lbs. I may have to push myself and change things up but I'd sooooooo love to be down 35 lbs.

Looks like this will extend into April: We've got a Cinco De Mayo Party every year so I'm going to shoot for 45 lbs total by then. Again I think shooting for .5-1.5 lb weekly losses from here on out is reasonable. Plus it leaves some room to have a set back and then come back with bigger losses.

Progress Check - How healthly are our habits?

2011-09-19T11:22:00.000-07:00

Slowly over the last few years I have been making BIG lifestyle changes. One of the biggest struggles I've faced is: eating out. If I had to guess (and was being completely honest) there was a time in my life that I ate out 5-6 days a week for lunch AND dinner AND breakfast on the weekends So maybe 12-20 times a week. Thats sort of insane right? No idea how I could even afford that.

This is defintely a weakspot. Yummy food, diners, friends, family, happy hours around a table full of chips and salsa...mmmmmm.... thankfully we are motivated by budget costs and a squirmy loud toddler to nip this in the bud. I'm trying more and more to just eat at home instead. If I'm being honest again, I'd say that we eat out maybe 2-3 meals out a week total. I'm happy witht that number right now cause I'm not striving for perfection. Plus I hate doing dishes. ;-)

A weekend lunch date at home with my kiddo. Spinach wrap, leftover chicken shredded, pesto/light ranch mixture (hello yumminess!), tomato, roasted pepper hummus, whole wheat pita chips. A little high on the points so I only finished half of the wrap and took the other half to work the next day for lunch. The kiddo requested grilled cheese and I was happy to oblige, but don't tell her I snuck in tomatoes.

WIW- month 1 results

2011-09-14T06:08:00.000-07:00

Week 4:

Goal: 45 lbs.

Down this week 1.9 lbs

Total Pounds Down: 9.1

Pounds to go : 35.9

So close to 10 lbs down... Exciting!!!!!

WIW - I hate that this works

2011-09-07T07:32:00.000-07:00

Week 3:

Goal: 45 lbs.

Down this week 3.3 lbs

Total Pounds Down: 7..2

Pounds to go : 37.8

Wow. A great week for me. Especially since it was holiday weekend with family in town! Less than 40 to go! WOOT WOOT! I think some of that was residual PMS loss from last week, but I'll take it! I'm starting to feel good about staying in my point range and am comfortable with my level of hunger throughout the day.

Ok. So I have to confess. I have a secret. I've been holding back on one of my strategies to lose weight but feel like its time to share. But you can't tell my friends.

I've given up drinking any alcohol. For now at least. hangs head in shame

As I type that I can hear wine glasses and coozy covered coors light cans dropping to the floor. I love my wine. I love cheap beer. But damn they are high in points. And I have this sneaky suspicion that when I drink alcohol I have a harder time losing weight metabolism wise.

I challenged myself to no alcohol for Sept. I think this break gives my body a chance to reset. Looking back at the past 3 weeks I hate to say it: but damn those Drs and WW experts. They are totally right. Burn more calories than you take in = lose weight. I'm still having headaches but overall my tummy feels a lot better and looks less bloated.

And to my girlfriends reading this that I am joining in October for a girly weekend in wine country: Don't worry, there have to be exceptions to every rule right?! I'll gladly make one for my favorite gals and good wine. =)

Fall

2011-09-07T07:08:00.000-07:00

There are so many things I love about fall. Mostly the lack of heat, so that its bearable to exercise outside but I also love big batches of low point soups and the smell of pumpkin.

Maddy asked if we could make some "cupcakes" (aka anything with a cupcake wrapper on it) this weekend and I thought it would be fun to take a stab at my firrst batch of 2011 pumpkin goods: Pumpkin Bran Muffins and a Pumpkin Cranberry loaf. Both were very yummy considering I they were based off of weight watcher recipes with no sugar and whole wheat flour.

I cheat and always throw in a 1/4 cup or so of white flour cause I'm too scared to cook without it.

I enjoy making a mess in the kitchen with Maddy and trying new things and this time we tried adding some bran. I had never cooked with bran before, but found the result to be pretty tasty. I hope Maddy looks back on our silly cooking adventures fondly as she grows up.

WIW

2011-08-31T11:27:00.000-07:00

Goal: 45 lbs.

Down this week 1.3 lbs

Total Pounds Down: 3.9

Pounds to go : 41.1

I'm hoping to amp up my game this week. I seem to do better with a plan so here it is for the week:

Tonight - Elliptical

Friday - Walk with Maddy at Local Park or Iron Horse

Saturday-Dusting off my running shoes and planning a run - hoping a friend will join me to motivate me getting out of bed.

Sunday I'm heading to the Dailey Method.

Monday - Family Walk? Its labor day so I'd like to do something physical with the family.

Week 2

2011-08-30T21:01:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my weigh in and to be honest I just don't know how it's going to turn out. I stayed within my daily points almost every day and ate out only two times. HUGE in my book. Go me! I also made my working out goal but I'm disappointed I didn't do more. Granted I a) potty trained my kid this weekend and b)am on my period. sorry I tried to find an eloquent way to put but let's face it, there isn't one.

So we'll see, but my expectations are low.

Salads with Substance

2011-08-29T13:56:00.000-07:00

Today's lunch fresh from the farmers market trip yesterday!

Romaine Lettuce
1 Diced Roma Tomato
1/2 c. Yellow Bellpeppers - I try to mix up what colors I buy each week, but I love all of them.
1 Radish - Not a huge fan but thought I should be adventurous.
1/2 c. Diced Cucumbers - Salad staple
1/2 c.Shredded Carrots - Salad Stap
2 Diced green onions - These really spice up a salad.
1/4 c. fresh corn - 1pt - I made too many corn on the cob this weekend and chopped up left overs.
Sliced Chicken (1 oz) - 2pts

With a homemade dressing: 1TBSP Balsamic Vinegar + 1TBSP Olive Oil + 1/2 TBSP Brown Sugar + Salt/Pepper to Taste. The dressing gets you 5 pts but its worth it! Yum! Altogether the salad is 7 points and VERY filling.

How to Measure Success

2011-08-29T12:35:00.000-07:00

Something I've done before when working with a personal trainer is to measure and track my body. I don't have a soft tape measure at home so I've never thought to do it myself. I casually asked my mom last week if she had one I could borrow, but I should have known better since she rarely has sewing-ish supplies. Well I think I may have experienced some divine intervention because my step-dad called to tell me he found an extra soft tape measure as they cleaned out the garage this weekend.

I bit the bullet and took my measurements. (ouch) Entered them into WW online. (double ouch). I really don't know what to expect here. I guess I'm hoping for an overall loss in inches, but specifically my waist and bust. Any ideas on how often I should measure?

Preparing for a milestone.

2011-08-29T11:50:00.000-07:00

Maddy has been ready for months to potty train. She's expressed interest in her potty and shown us that she has some bodily control. She even refused to wear a diaper once it was soiled.

We made feeble attempts to potty train but the language barrier between us made things difficult. The result was frustration had by all. Unsupportive daycare made the situation even worse but that's another story for another day. As parents we were not 100% committed to the changes potty trianing would bring to our outings so sliding back to diapers was easy enough. We backed off and tackled some other issues.

Maddy started a new preschool. She found new friends, adjusted to the smart and creative teachers at her school and began to thrive in the classroom. We couldn't be more thrilled with our decision to move her. She had been ready for so long, but we held back.

This brings me to a few weekends ago. I drove Maddy down to LA and back. Along Highway 5, we stopped for me to go the bathroom. Maddy wanted to go as well. But ew. No. This was not the time to potty train. She was fascinated by public toilet. Ew. So gross. When we came home we marked a big star on the calendar and started talking about the Day of No More Diapers. Three weeks we talked about the upcoming day. We shared the news with grandparents who encouraged and showered Maddy with love and support. It timed out perfectly that one of Maddy's newest buds was also starting potty training. But were we ready? Was she reallly ready? The teacher gave the big thumbs up to try and wished Maddy (and us) GOOD LUCK.

We woke up Friday morning and exclaimed "No More Diapers"! Maddy was very eager to start the process when I announced the presence of mini-m&m's in the house. I was lucky enough to potty train a bunny rabbit and a few other friends as well.

I won't get into the nitty gritty but Maddy did awesome. She continously amazes me with her readiness to hit the next milestone.

Blocking Techniques.

2011-08-26T20:27:00.000-07:00

So first lets be clear this is not an organization blog. That said, here's a picture of what you'll find when you enter my pantry. No judgement.

Back story: I really do have pretty crappy eating habits. I grew up on frito bowls and frozen taquitos. (both still rule). I didn't learn about cooking into well into my 20's. Before our wedding I stumbled upon a few nutrition and diet books. I was not eating a well rounded diet. At all.

Now: Most of the food in my diet today are fresh and healthy. But I have a toddler and husband (who also grew up on horrible - if possible even worse - eating habits) and need to stock a few things for them. Now that I know how to cook things from scratch, I also stock staple items on hand to make treats for events. And occassionall I cave at the grocery store and buy something I shouldn't for myself.

My future: The pantry has become a warzone for me. So to make sure that I do not on a Friday night at 8:20pm (like tonight) head into the pantry and start making chocolate chip cookies because they sound good... I have put a barrier in between us. I literally have to step on my scale to get to those items. Once I do that, the little blue light pops on and is an instant reminder of how I'll feel tomorrow. Some may call this torture. I'm calling it a coping mechanism, I am my own worst enemy.

I need to make this work. I want to make that goal weight. And nobody but myself can stop that from happening.

Mind Over Matter

2011-08-24T19:12:00.000-07:00

Today is Day 6. And today is the first time that I want something, anything indulgent and fattening. Like sour cream and onion dip with Ruffles. I will admit, that I have been known to drive to the store as soon as this particular craving hits and then go on to devour a whole bag and container of sour cream to myself over the next 3 days.

Onion rings sound good too. Or a donut. These cravings usually hit me once a month. Can you guess when? But they are major set backs, even if just once a month.

Tonight, I was standing in front of my pantry looking for something. Thankfully I've thrown out all of the junk. But as I stood there and contemplated how much time I had before bedtime to run to the store. It occurred to me that I'm not hungry because I need a bag of chips and sour cream and onion dip. I'm hungry because I didn't eat enough today. Between a myriad of meetings and running late in the morning, I had planned to use all but 4 points (enough for a dark chocolate square) by the time I was finished with dinner. Instead I have 12. That's a whole meal. No wonder I'm hungry. With conscience effort I closed the pantry door and brought out the snacks I was supposed to have eaten.

I thought this was good for me to write down. Sometimes I can get into a downward spiral of telling myself that I'm not the kind of person who can eat healthy all.the.time. But you know what? I do have will power. I can say no. I think this round of WW I am going to really try to understand my body and better train my mind to not let me fall into the trap of junk food spiral.

Weigh-In-Wednesday (WIW)

2011-08-24T07:18:00.000-07:00

Today is my weekly weigh in. I don't attend meetings in person but I am part of a supportive and fabulous group of women who check in every week (on Wednesday) via email. We talk about our ups and downs and our specific pain points that we are working through. You don't have to be doing Weight Watchers, or on any specific plan. Just a great group of gals who care about living healthy and would like to lose some weight along the way.

This week I'm down 2.6 lbs. Not bad, but I fear that's just the crash result of me eating somewhat healthier (instead of queso or donuts) and the real work will start this week.

Goal: 45 lbs.

Down: 2.6 lbs

Pounds to go : 42.4 (ack that number is still daunting, maybe it will feel better once I can get it under the 40's)

Proud of myself for starting this. I know in the long run, I'll be happier, healthier and a better role model for my kiddo. And that's all that really matters to me.

Challenge for this week:

Drink more water
Slowly begin exercising again (let that go so I could jump into this without worrying about being overly hungry)

Revamping My Snack Wardrobe

2011-08-23T12:11:00.000-07:00

I am a simple girl. I eat pretty much the same thing every day. This can either be the rise or downfall of my waistline. (get it?)

If I had it my way, I'd buy the world's most expensive nut and my BFF, the pistachio. Mr. Pistachio is also my stomach's worst enemy (ummm hello star crossed lovers?) so instead I buy almonds. Mmmm. Fresh almonds are tasty. [Insert problem] A couple of experts (internet surveys) have told me that I am a mindless eater. I snack all day even when I'm not hungry. Perfect with almonds right? They are healthy right? Good for the body, mind and soul? Yes. But not when you eat them by the pound.

I believe 20 almonds gets you 4 points. Yikes. So I've been researching alternatives to my nut obsession and trying to figure out how to tackle my mindless eating problem. My attempt this week is the following :

(From L-R Apples, Fire Roasted Peanuts and LARABARS)
Breakdown:

LARABARS - 6 points but very filling. So filling I made it from 3pm to 6:30 without snacking on any ingredients while cooking dinner. Also, LARABARS have simple healthy ingredients. I think this tactic is better than eating 27 almonds (6 pts) and still feeling not full.

sidebar - rumor on the street is that you can make them yourselves. For like a tenth of the cost. Anybody up for a larabar making party?

Next up is apples. They get 3 points in my book. One for being so tasty. Two for taking forever to eat (consuming time that I could be mindless eating on multiple things) And three for being so tasty.

Finally, Regular ole' peanuts in a shell. Still high in points but not nearly as high as almonds. PLUS with them in the shell, they take longer to eat. Again that crazy mindless eating problem.

So there you have it. I eat a ton of other boring snacks like carrots and cucumbers, but no one wants to hear about rabbit food. We all know carrots are good for you.

Making it Work - Breakfast

2011-08-23T08:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's yogurt and peaches was great, but not very filling. Today I tried a little more substance. Whole Wheat Toast with very little (less than a TBSP but more than a TSP) smart balance light butter. I threw together a quick 3 egg white scramble with onion, and red/green bell peppers (using 1 spray of olive oil - which btw is not enough for to not leave a mess, but not worth the extra points so I made do with scrubbing dishes)

Cause thats how I roll. 3 points bitches.

Have a good morning!

Photo Dump

2011-08-22T12:54:00.000-07:00

I figured since I'm back in the swing of things (as far as this blog is concerned) that you (the public internet) deserved some Baby McLovin love.

Its important to remember your roots. And be thankful for where you are today. I've blogged a lot about the crazy rollercoaster of marriage, parenthood, life. I'm so lucky for what I have. Remember way back when when things got started well, who knew this is where we'd be today.

A little family of 3.

Making up our own rules.

Getting ourselves into situations we never knew we could handle.

Jumping into the unkown.

Making sure we never forget those we love.

Letting the unimportant things go when it matters the most.

Remembering to consider the other person's point of view.

And even when we aren't looking.

We are always there for eachother.

Step 1: Making It Work

2011-08-22T07:10:00.000-07:00

I'm going to start a series called "Making It Work" to help me troubleshoot (ha! I've worked in IT too long) some problem areas for me. Specifically, I know I have a few habits that I have ordained as healthy, but are really high in points (oatmeal, almonds etc). The thing is, they are healthy. And I'm not going to give them up. BUT if I want to lose weight, I need to get real and make this work.

So today I tackled breakfast. Normally I have plain Old Fashioned Rolled Oats. Boring right? So usually I add a little splenda or brown sugar (very minimal) and/or some blueberries. If I'm filling spicy I had some sliced almonds or raisins. That breakfast will get me 5 or 6 points (or more). I'm not willing to spend that much on breakfast AND I'm also trying to cut any artificial sugars out of my diet. In recent weeks I've seen a corelation between certain foods and the symptoms I was experiencing. I'd like to see if eliminating artificial sugars reduces the headaches I've been having. (That means no more skinny vanilla lattes or those low calorie yoplait yogurts)

My attempt this morning: 1/2 cup Stonyfield 0% Fat Vanilla Yogurt. 1 Organic Peach from WindMill Farms in San Ramon = 2 points.

Salad Dressing and Points Plus

2011-08-21T21:25:00.000-07:00

Still adjusting to the new WW system "points plus". There are a lot of changes. I really don't think I could do all of this without the iPhone and iPad apps. Lifesaver.

Today I was shocked to find out my favorite salad dressing went up in points from previous WW point calculation. Boo! Need to research low point salad dressing options.

Today: 31 pts

Not bad. I think I'll stay within my weekly points this week. I meal planned for lunch and dinner all week, prepared fruits and veggie bags to go.... Hoping that means I've set myself up for success.

Day 1 & 2 *Post party update

2011-08-20T14:04:00.000-07:00

My first day back on weight watchers (of course, not counting the donut and breakfast taco that I ate before I went online and pulled out credit card)was ok. I had to fly back to LA and to my shock had been upgraded to first class (yippee!). Little did I know that first class was booze city. I limited myself to two light beers and kindly refused the 10 offers of wine. (proud of myself for using all my will power to say no to FREE wine!)I only managed to go over my points by 6 even with the the donut.

So far day 2 I going well. I'd love to hit my 29 points. We'll see cause we have a kiddos birthday party to go = cupcakes, snacks and most likely since these are my friends, booze.

Limiting myself to 2 light beers!

*update Ummmm. Light beers are 4 points. I think I put my drinks in wrong yesterday. Totally not worth it. I had 3/4 of a light beer. Resisted pizza (since I already ate my "meal") and chips/dips. Walking by that guacamole felt like the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

13 points left in the say. So grateful for a party host who provided an abundance of fresh fruit.

Well, hello there.

2011-08-19T10:54:00.000-07:00

Its been awhile. Funny how life just keeps moving forward, isn't it. Its nice to have this little spot on the internet to come back to. Its sort of like my constant. Did you watch LOST? If your not a LOSTIE then 1) that will make absolutely no sense 2) get thee to the nearest means of Netflix and get all the seasons, block off a weekend, grab some popcorn, a snuggie and press play.Things get weird in season 4, but trust me they make up for it. And who doesn't love a show with random polar bears in the middle of Hawaii. Admit it, you are intrigued. ;-)

So back to *me*

I met with my Dr the other day regarding these daily headaches I've been having. He ran a slew of tests, including a CT scan, to prove that I am the cause of my headahces. We also had a lengthy discussion regarding losing weight, or the fact that I'm not. Another round of tests. Again, my fault.

Why is it my fault? Let me recap the last 7 months.

Applied, interveiwed, enrolled and completed my first quarter back at school.
Changed jobs (not company) so that I have more responsibilities and power with no addiitonal pay.
Watched my daughter turn from a baby to am energetic, talkative, spicy little 2.5 yr old preschooler.
Husband lost his job. 7 months later he got a job.
Was put on a project, in addition to my current job. Flew to Houston.
Weekly marraige counseling.
Bought an eliptical for a phenomenal price. Used it daily.
Was introduced to The Dailey Method. The ellipitical has been collecting dust since.
Went back to Houston.
Celebrated this one handsome guy I know turning 30.
Taught The Toddler how to swim.
Read all the Harry Potter Books and developed an unhealthy obsession for all things related.

Yeah his official medical advice was to slow down things down, take more time for myself, sleep more and eat less.

Pause. Wait, what? Who does that. There were days that I hid in bedroom from my family, and dreamed of moving somewhere where you don't need 5 extra hours in the dayjust to work out.. but lets get real. None of those things above are going away, nor do I want them to. Especially Harry Potter. Kidding. Sort of. I'm not one to brag, but look at that list! DO YOU SEE HOW PRODUCTIVE I WAS?! Yeah, not so much. I did do one thing that I am particularly proud of... I drove myself and The Toddler down to L.A. Can we get a round of applause for not killing eachother? After being stuck in a car for 8 hours, 2 of which was dead stop traffic, I have a new appreciation for flying. at least you can walk around the plane.

So where were we? Oh yeah, I'm causing my headaches and "weight management problem". The Dr said I need to drastically cut my calories. I wasn't quite sure how to do that without starving myself, so I'm back on Weight Watchers. Usually I change the goal weight from what they tell me I shoushould weigh, this time I didn't. Its 45 lbs. Holy beejesus (thats totally not how thats spellled but whatev). I can't imagine life 45 lbs lighter, but I know I can do this. My apologies upfront, I plan to blog the hell out of this. (hey at least I'm not blogging about Harry Potter)

Wish me luck! And if you have a cure for those dang headaches, please share!

Here I go again.

2011-01-26T13:44:00.000-08:00

Not even one month into the new year and I've slacked off on blogging. Go me. But there's been birthday evites to send out, birthday parties to attend, colleges to be accepted to (more on this later), new assignment for the husband and a huge word explosion for a certain toddler.

A family member asked how I was documenting the funny things my kids says. I hate to say it, but I'm not. Right now I'm just enjoying the heck out of her. I'm sure 20 years from now I'll regret not writing down exactly how she first said the word "pizza and how freaking adorable it was that she was so excited about pizza. Or maybe I wont' remember this time at all, and that will make me even more sad.

I'm contemplating doing a blurb book. Thoughts?

HELLO 2011

2011-01-03T09:29:00.000-08:00

Its that time of year folks. Time to make promises to shed those unwanted pounds and do a wrap up of how fabulously exciting our year was. Errr. Wrong. I won't be doing either. Or sort of won't.

Here were my goals for 2010. How did I do?

Run Two half marathons and run 500 miles for the year - I finished one half (YAY go me!) and ran a few 5k's. Unfortunately it was really hard to lose weight while training for a half marathon. Running in general doesn't burn enough calories for me but makes me hungry enough to think I can eat an entire chocolate cake. I gave up the dream of the 2nd one and focused on the gym for awhile. Which brings me to my 2nd goal

Goal # 2 - get back to pre-pg weight. I blogged about losing weight and eventually lost all the baby weight. Even did one full month of eating as a vegetarian and crossed that goal off my 2010 list. I got down to 155 which was my skinny pre-pg weight. YAY me. I'm back up though at 162 right now. So I'm back on the Weight Watchers wagon. I won't be doing the new points plus system. A) The old system worked for me and I know it. B) I don't want to pay again or re-learn the new system. We are on a budget here people! Time and money are precious things. My new goal, is 146. Yes thats an odd number but something about 145 feels unreasonable. And its also 10% of my current weight. I think I could live a long and happy life at 146.

Goal #3 - Write down goals. Fail. Not going to try that again either. It was a nice thought though.

Goal # 4 - Be nice to my husband. Ummmm. Fail. But Oct-Dec I think I did a better job. Only cause my counselor makes me be nice to him though. Just kidding. ;-)

Goal #5 - Stop procrastinating. ::Shrug:: Can't really measure that one. I have tried better to just do things instead of try to plan, plan, plan and never do.

Goal #6 - Dress more business like. I bought two suits and wore them pretty frequently with interchangeable pieces. I feel like I did really well in this area. It helps that my company announced layoffs and I had to go on 14 interviews and be on my best behavior at all times. Nothing like a good downsizing to spark motivation.

Whats up for 2011?

Lose 10% body weight. I need to stop telling myself its not doable. IT IS.
Plant a garden box. - still working on which plants to plant.
Apply to go back to school. This one is coming up fast. I have an admissions interview on Wednesday and could be starting classes this year. That would just knock 2010's socks off wouldn't it.
Run two 10ks - 13 miles was pretty darn hard on my body. But 6 I can definitely committ to. Even twice.
Host a party at my house.
Make tamales. (note- these last two things might be done at the same time... hello tamale making party!)
Go on vacation - Two requirements 1)must be out of the bay area, if possible not with family 2) for more than 4 days.

What do you have up your sleeve for 2011?

When I have more time

2010-12-19T22:16:00.001-08:00

http://www.momtastic.com/home-and-living/home/112158-diy-holiday-crayon-chip-wrapping-paper

I love this idea.

Rain, a hot dog bun, and a box.

2010-12-19T12:21:00.000-08:00

Rainy days and toddlers don't mix. Neither do rainy days, toddlers and hangovers but thats a completely different post. Thankfully we have fake hot dog buns that can be used as phones and empty fed ex boxes that can be turned into forts or tunnels.

Its that kind of creativity and imagination when I remember how much I love this age.

Do you have $9.88?

2010-12-13T14:30:00.000-08:00

I headed to WalMart this weekend. I didn't really have a reason to go but needed to get out of the house with Maddy. I came across Jillian Micheals Banish Boost Metabolism DVD. It was on sale for $9. After a seeing a number last week I haven't seen on the scale in awhile (and not a number I wanted to see) I bit the bullet and bought it. It was less than $10, how bad could it be?

My initial review: It kicked my ass this morning and felt GREAT!

So let me ask you this?

Do you have $9.88?

Do you want to work out?

Do you have a way to play a DVD ?

If yes, then you should go and buy this DVD. Its 45 minutes of cardio that will make you sweat, but its quick circuits and since Jillian moves you along pretty fast, it doesn't get boring. The best part is you don't need any additional equipement. You use purely your body.

Go. Buy. Get thee to WalMart. And workout. Trust me. You'll feel better.

Never thought I'd say that.

The Holiday Card Process

2010-12-13T01:10:00.000-08:00

Step 1: Find a location to take pictures

Step 2: Find an hour that your toddler is in a good mood and willing to get dressed

Step 2a: If there's isn't a good mood but toddler is dressed settle for m&m's and fruit snacks.

Step3: Take as many pictures as possible. Hope for 1 to come out.

Step 4: Choose layout.

Step 5: Narrow down pictures by consulting with friends without giving too much away.

Step 6: Order cards

Step 7: Address and stamp cards

Step 8: Key Measure of Success - Drop cards off in mail

Step 9: Keep one for yourself to display

Step 10: Don't put in reach of toddler

Optional Steps: Try to be funny and have fun with the cards/photos

Final Version:

PEACE & LOVE

As peaceful and loving as a toddler - going on 15 - can be!

Happy Holidays

Wishing you a happy holiday season and the best in the new year!

Thanks to TinyPrints for a fabulous product and wonderful customer service. If you are looking for invites, announcements, special occassion cards etc... definitely check them out!

Built in Compassion

2010-12-13T00:41:00.000-08:00

I am amazed at how much compassion can be wrapped up in such a small person.

Incident #1

The three of us went out for sushi before heading out to look at some local Christmas lights. There was a little boy, a toddler not much younger than Maddy, caught Maddy's eye. She was flirting with him and saying hi as we both tables settled and started to order. Sometime during the meal, the other toddler hit his head pretty hard. Maddy became very concerned. She wouldn't eat her food and wanted to leave our table to see what was going on. She kept saying "uh oh" and "baby". Without trying to cause too much of scene we let her stand up to see what was going on, and she started to blow kisses to the baby. I think the other parents were touched and the boy started to giggle in between tears.

Incident #2

We bought a tree this weekend. We went cheap and headed to our local Home Depot. As a bonus the tree came with ladybugs (ladybugs?! thats a whole 'nother post). The ladybugs that didn't make it through the first couple of shake-offs outside ended up on our floor. Maddy has a book about ladybugs and she has never been interested in it, despite my efforts to tell her how cool they are. Maddy was curious as to what was crawling on the floor, so we picked a few up on paper and brought out her book. A few gasps later and a couple of "oh no"s as one fell back to the floor, Daddy announced that the ladybugs needed to go home so they could go night night and they would need to go outside. The two of them enacted quite the little ceremony to blow them off the paper. We came back inside and Maddy found one more. Daddy didn't see it and almost crushed it, but Maddy saved it by screaming (not so quietly) NO! and pushing daddy. She followed it around the tile and attempted to get it on the paper, failed, but made sure no one stepped on it. After the second ceremony, Maddy waved bye-bye, blew kisses and shut the door.

I'm not sure how in between tantrums she's managed to turn into quite the little sweet heart, but damn if she doesn't know how to melt my heart.

Today the leaves dropped to the ground.

2010-12-13T00:21:00.000-08:00

We walked outside to see thousands of leaves had fallen to the ground. Maddy's responded with her latest word: "wow". When we got back home from errands, I thought it would be fun (and would make for nice pictures) to go outside and play in the leaves. It was actually a really fun time and while this there are a lot of pictures, it might be one of my favorite series since its so rare these days to catch her true personality in photos.

and she's off

Do you see those chicken legs? Where did the baby rolls go?

Here she comes!

Where's Maddy?

"Maddy watch out for that...."

" Uh oh................ Maaaa maaaa!!"

The smell of a newborn

2010-12-07T12:35:00.000-08:00

I held a 2 week old baby recently. He was so tiny. Probably not even over 10 lbs. He started to fuss, my instincts kicked in and I started to do the butt jiggle. In case you were wondering if you should call CPS or not, here's a better description: head of baby in crook of your arm, baby body laying across your chest, your other hand on his butt and ever so lightly jiggle baby's butt... aka the human bouncy chair. I'm sure every mom has some form of the human bouncy chair. As we jiggled and swayed (did I just say that?!) I leaned down to smell. No, not his diaper, but the sweet smell of a newborn head. They smell just precious and lovely. And there isn't another way I can describe it.

I went home and snuck in my kids room to smell her head while she slept. She smelled like spaghetti.

Too much wine

2010-12-02T23:27:00.000-08:00

I've had too much wine tonight. I talked to my husband and realized some really big things about myself tonight. I have huge regrets, educational dreams, that I thought were beyond repair.

But think.... I know.... I can do this. I'm over half way there .. I just need to figure out ome stuff.

Life is stange. And its weird how a class on managing priorities can make your heart ache for something you never finished.

But it did. And I'm hopeful. 4 years later I really hopeful that this is what i needed to get back on track. But until then... i'm patient.

Can you say Drama Queen?

2010-11-29T22:35:00.000-08:00

I'm so thankful that my parents did not have the internet to post embarrassing photos and videos of me as a kid.

Back Dating– Spring & Summer Photos

2010-11-28T15:27:00.001-08:00

My sweet curious and active little girl.

She’s got quite the personality.

And if you catch her in the right moment ~~and hold baby and lovey at ransom~~, she’s quite the cuddle bug.

Santa, Ducks and Knee High Socks.

2010-11-28T13:37:00.000-08:00

I've been pretty apprehensive about Madelynn's holiday outfit. I knew mini skirts could go terribly wrong, but I thought the velvet pink and black polka dot skirt screamed Madelynn for some reason (maybe because I wanted a matching skirt for myself). I was inspired to find some knee high socks by the big girl collection at GAP. Who knew they would be so tricky to find for the under 2 crowd. Here's the final take: Maddy at 21 months.
We were disappointed to find out Dillard's would not be hosting Santa this year and ended up attempting to visit Santa at Black Hawk Shopping Plaza. We tried not to make too big of deal out of Santa and had back up m&ms in hope to get a non-crying picture. I was hopeful.

We watched Santa for a bit from afar. Maddy seemed interested.

Now looking at the picture I can see the fear. Nothing says fear like big tall men in scary red suits.

Maddy teased us again showing curiosity.

Daddy, Grandma and Madelynn got in line and it was finally our turn.

When we got within five feet of Santa the pouty lip showed up.

She refused to let go of Daddy. Santa's little helpers stepped in and recommended we try a group shot. Not in my right mind, without make up, my hair wet from the rain and sporting my oldest sweatshirt, I joined in on the fun.

We moved on hoping we didn't just scar Maddy for life. Maddy quickly spotted the ducks and her mood improved drastically. Maddy made it a point to show me every duck walking around and say hi to the baby ducks. If it weren't for the rain I think she could have sat there all day watching the dozens of ducks and swans swimming around.

If only Santa were a duck.

Wishing you a happy holiday season! Or in Maddy's words "quack, quack!"

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-24T16:25:00.001-08:00

While 2010 wasn't the greatest year, I've tried to step back and find all the good in my life. There are many things I am thankful for, here is a short list.

1. Wine usually accompanied by good food.

2. Margaritas usually accompanied by good friends.

3. My happy healthy little toddler who gives eskimo kisses morning, day and night.

4. Family who supported me when I had no clue what I was doing.

5. A husband who willingly goes to counseling and constantly tells me how much he loves me, even if I am a PITA.

6. A roof over my head and a home that I can call my own.

7. A job for both my husband and myself.

8. My wonderful girlfriends who have listened to me cry too many times.

9. Only 1 ER trip in 2010.

10. My employers EAP program that allows me to go weekly at the cheapest rate I've ever heard of.

Fall 2010

2010-11-24T12:57:00.000-08:00

We couldn't afford professional photos this year, but I wanted to capture the curious little creature that my kid has turned into. We headed to a local co-op Garden and only had one melt down so I count this session as a success! I picked out my favorites for our holiday card this year so I can't share those just yet, but here are some of the runner ups.

Falling and getting back up again.

2010-11-24T10:22:00.001-08:00

2010 was a difficult year for my family. Its hard to explain since there was no awful tragedy, just life passing and along the way I fell apart a little. I spent most of the year growing in ways I never thought I would have to and raising a beautiful yet strong-willed-challenging-smart little girl.

I was informed yesterday that its been awhile since I last blogged. My friend was right. Sometime in June of 2010, I could feel things were coming to a boil. I couldn't bring myself to write about the journey I didn't know I was about to embark on. I was scared and embarrassed by the craziness of it all. It seems silly now to have been so embarrassed, because nobody did anything wrong. But things were not good at home. Not good at all.

On a very calm Sunday summer afternoon, I drove away from my husband and daughter to move back in with my mother. We agreed on this and nothing more really: things needed to change, neither of us were happy, and both had made some terrible decisions. So we separated. Matt would have Maddy most of the time. I would see her on Tuesday. I made it a block, when I knew they couldn't see me anymore and I let my heart break into a million pieces.

We had a plan, and I dearly hoped that plan would bring us back together. I take that back. I dearly hoped that we would both find happiness, but if they meant us not being together, I was at peace with that. Even if it was the worst decision of my life.

I did a lot of things on my own. I even went camping with some of my favorite people and built my very own tent. I was impressed with how adaptable and strong I became. And disappointed with how dependent I was on a man that was struggling in his own way. Nights were lonely, it was the first time in 6 years I knew no one would be in my bed each night. Yet, I couldn't believe how relieved I was to have no one to go to bed fighting with.

Immediately I began counseling. Matt eventually joined me. It was obvious we weren't on the same page, but our counselor was ready to fight for our marriage every week. Even the weeks we weren't. We tried to play "marriage" on the weekends, just to see what it felt like. But mostly for Madelynn's sake. I don't think she really noticed.

Every day when I walked into work I tried to leave the baggage of my personal life behind. That seems strange to me now, since most people do the opposite. Work was moving at a face pace. We had been informed that there would be downsizing, the biggest cuts our organization had seen in many years. "Efficiency" became a hot topic and it was announced everyone would need to apply for jobs. No one was safe. I spent hours revamping my resume and preparing myself for interviews.

By late September work was hectic and my personal life was a blur. As my counselor said, I was barely hanging on to the edge of a cliff. Things changed daily, hourly. Including my emotions. These were not my best days. My attitude was sour and reeked of self-pity. Accepting a job offer in didn't seem to change me. I was now safe at work, but my confidence had taken a blow. The business savvy I had boasted during interviews had not landed me any of the jobs I had applied for. But I wasn't the only one, and there was some satisfaction in that fact. My temperament flattened and I began to crave my family, for support and inspiration.

During this period, Matt and I had begun to make small efforts. We attended a wedding together, held hands, went out on a date, and even spooned. It felt nice. Therapy was going well most weeks and we attempted to use the tools we learned in counseling. We decided to take a huge leap and planned to move back in together in November. Then life happened, and we were pushed off that cliff earlier than expected. By the end of October we were once again living together as a family.

We are still seeing a therapist and feeling our way through marriage week-to-week. I'm glad to have someone rooting for us, pushing us to discuss (even if awkwardly) the hard conversations we need to have to make this work. She has for the moment being, helped us saved our marriage. In fact I might even get her a "world's greatest counselor" mug for Christmas.

Live via the Baby Monitor.

2010-05-09T20:38:00.001-07:00

On occasion, I like to eavesdrop on Madelynn and her dad via the baby monitor. I had the pleasure of hearing the following yesterday:

(sang to the tune of The itsy, bitsy spider)

The stinky, stinky Madelynn has a poopy diaper.

Why does she smell so bad when she is so cute.

I wonder where she gets her smell from, oh wait thats right her mother.

And the stinky, stinky Madelynn can go back to being cute.

This kid melts my heart

2010-05-09T20:38:00.000-07:00

Public Humiliation Works.

2010-04-28T14:00:00.000-07:00

Guess who just got a phone call with news that someone started full on walking?

::arm pump::

Madelynn -0
Mommy -1

I'm not opposed to using this blog until she's 32 if it keeps her in line.

Just saying.

Busy, Busy, Busy

2010-04-27T10:36:00.000-07:00

It will be May... in FIVE days. I'm really trying my best to sit back and take it all in, enjoy life, find that balance of mommy, wife, friends and worker-bee and dammit.. Have some FUN! But man, I suck at this blogging thing.

2010 has been an amazing ride so far but its just zooming by. Maddy is 14 months and a whopping 26.7 lbs full of fun! She's got sass & attitude and is loud as hell when she wants something or isn't happy. She's having allergy issues and as a result is dealing with excema. After some trial and error and one phone call to poision control (Oops!) it seems that we've got a good combination of lotions & potions to keep it under control. As a result, my diaper bag is a walking pharmacy. I've contemplated selling the stuff that didn't work but I'm afraid the officials will throw me in jail. Can you see me now? Dealing out calendula products, oatmeal baths, and generic allergy meds on the streets of Walnut Creek or Pleasanton ? Come on, you know you want some!

In other news Madelynn has taken a few of her first steps. I'm not going to lie, tears full of pride streamed down my face when I first saw them. Everyone assured me she'd be an early walker with her rolling at 2 months and all. Well, we're still patiently waiting for her to walk on her own. My game plan was to bribe Maddy with cute dresses and white capris hoping that will motivate her to get up off the ground but she's not biting. I'm pretty sure she's laughing internally at me since thus far the result of my bribe has only been more laundry.

My moms play group (AKA wine/margarita/light beer club) does a great job at reminding me to *live in the moment*, and not focus on the next phase. Enjoy what we have now, cause we all know its goes by too quickly. But its hard. DAMN hard and stresses me the eff out some days. Just walk already lady!!! I'm tired of chasing your around with a video camera like your own personal paparrazi! Teasing your mommy is not nice!!

Ok, thanks. That was nice to get off my chest.

In other Madelynn news, here's some fun things that she *is* doing. :)

Madelynn’s Words - not all of them sound like the word, but you can definitely tell her intent.... e.g. Down-"dow" but it really means, LADY GET ME THE F*** DOWN NOW!.... So I can CRAWL!!!
-Ball
-Dog
-Bye – By far her favorite word. Sounds like a southern drawl: buheyeeee!!!!! (<--- yes that many explanation points is necessary because thats how excited she gets) -Down -Mama -Dada -Bottle “boh-boh” -Night (Bed Time) Working on – Light, Love (the name of her lovey), Up, book - I swear she says duck *sounds like buck* but I have no idea where she got it from. There is only one duck stuffed animal in her room.
Sign Language : Some days she attempts to use the words so we have to really reinforce the sign or she'll "lose" it for awhile.
-More
-Milk/Bottle
-All Done
-Bye
Working on: Please, eat
Things she understands
-Bath – heads straight for the bathroom and attempts climbing into the bath tub whether there is water or not. .
-Night-Night – Heads straight for the stairs or whichever room the pack and play is. Usually followed by intense rubbing of the eyes and pointing for her love and repeating nigh-nigh-nigh. Or throws a tantrum because she’s overtired but having fun and we’ve kept her up to long. Good times either way.
-Light – Points at every light (house, car, toys, lamps, stores) All lights are fascinating and we must stop to enjoy their wonder.
-Kisses – I can now ask for a kiss. I’ve got a 50/50 shot at getting one but she’ll gladly give them away to her friend Andrew or Day Care Provider Susan.
-Eat – Asking her if she wants more can cause some confusion, so we’ve started asking if her she wants to eat and when she does she heads over to her chair.
-No- She knows when we say No (or get down and skake our head), it means she’s not supposed to be doing something. Whether she agrees with us or complies is a completely different story.
-Where’s Madelynn? – Her version of Peek-a-Boo or Hide & Go Seek. She prefers to hide behind doors, curtains but a blanket or her hands will suffice if she can’t find those.
-Shake Your Booty- Doing the twist with mama.
-Itsy-Bitsy Spider – Attempts mimicking the spider and sun with her hands like mine. I should really get that on video cause its damn cute.

Edited - Sorry those were icky font colors.

Meal time

2010-04-19T07:08:00.000-07:00

Year One: Madelynn at OneTrueMedia.com

2010-02-15T07:30:00.001-08:00

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

2010 - Month 2

2010-02-14T12:38:00.000-08:00

January's goals

~~- Dressing more business like at work.~~ Complete! I only wore jeans once all month. p.s. see Feb goals.... I need more work attire to keep up with this.
~~- Coming home from work and leaving all the garbage of a shitty day behind, walking through the door to kiss my husband and ask him how his day was.~~ Semi-Complete. I'm really really trying here.
~~- Lose ten lbs by Maddy's first birthday.~~ Well I lost 6 in January but I feel like I'm on the right track.
~~- Eating vegetarian during the week.~~ Failed. Made it 2 wks. But now I am more open to trying vegetarian options at restaurants or recipes at home. Even Matt liked a few of them.

February's Goals

- Run a half marathon.
- Lose 4 lbs
- Run 2x a week. Walk with Maddy once a week.
- Take Madelynn to the park to visit the swings.
- Buy new work clothes.
- Go on at least two date nights.

Here She Comes.

2010-01-24T19:34:00.001-08:00

I keep talking, but the people who call themselves my so called parents, just don't seem to listen!

I'm quick like lightening!

Silly momma, she thinks I'm coming for her when in reality, I want that camera!

Hmmm. A puff?! Its like magic. (**Momma edit** or its called not vacuuming)

How old was that puff?

Now where was I?

I'm cuter up close and personal.

What do you mean I can't have the camera?

Twenty Ten. Month One. Isn't she pretty.

2010-01-04T07:38:00.000-08:00

Since I'm going with calling it "twenty ten" I feel compelled to write out every number now instead of the actual #.

2009 was an amazing year. It was a quite a rollercoaster with a few more dips than I would have liked.

A few accomplishments.

I came -->.<-- this close killing my husband. Seriously. But.. I didn't, so I'll chalk that up to an accomplishment. (and trust me if only you knew the whole story, you would have killed him for me)
Had a baby.
Raised said baby to be a healthy standing, crawling finger food eating almost toddler.
Visited all 4 sets of grandparents and did my best to keep in touch with family.
Sent out holidays photo cards. <--- I really deserve a pat on the back for this one.
Ran two 5k's.
Ran one 10k
Lost ten lbs
Emailed my dad every month even if we don't talk. Ever.
Made some awesome new friends.

I'd like to blog my twenty ten goals each month. Help me realize how much you really do accomplish in one year, even if it flies by.

For the year here are my goals..

- Run 2 half marathons

- Eat vegetarian Sunday night through Friday lunch <----- that may move to Friday morning depending on Playdates... beer is a vegetable right? =)

- Run 500 miles for the year

- Overall I'd like to back to skinny pre-pregnancy weight (not TTC weight)

- Write down personal goals each month

- Be nice to my husband <----- at least once a month

- Stop procrastinating on anything that comes us that I need to take care of

- Dress more business attire at work (regardless of what the schleps on my team roll out of bed and come to office in)

For January (Month One), I'll be focusing on these:

- Dressing more business like at work.
- Coming home from work and leaving all the garbage of a shitty day behind, walking through the door to kiss my husband and ask him how his day was.
- Lose ten lbs by Maddy's first birthday.
- Eating vegetarian during the week.

There will be days.

2009-11-09T12:27:00.000-08:00

When this is all that gets me through.

Because I'm your mother

2009-11-02T13:18:00.000-08:00

I can dress you as I please. Maddy didn't seem to mind.

Monday Madness

2009-11-02T10:04:00.000-08:00

Pregnancy has left a permanent mark.

I headed to Fleet Feet this weekend to get fitted for a new pair of running shoes. To my surprise I left the store with a fancy pair a men's running shoes.

After a long debacle reviewing the shape & size of my feet, we determined my feet in deed had grown just enough in length and width since my last fitting pre-pregnancy.

I test drove these babies out yesterday on a short run and fell in love with my New Balance MR1063's . I even like the yellow.

Crying-It-Out

2009-11-01T20:20:00.000-08:00

How did it all start?

About 2.5 yrs ago my sister in law was telling me about the "sleep training" she was doing for the second time around with my niece after success with her first born. I, childless at the time, was very confused that you had to train your kid to sleep? Or that it was possible. She saved a book for my naive future self.

Somewhere around Maddy's 4th week of life I stopped pumping in the middle of the night. I didn't have the dedication, the knowledge, nor the sanity to continue waking every 2 hours to hook myself up like a cow, while my child slept blissfully for 7-8 hours.

Then around 7 weeks, it was a miracle. Maddy slept from 6pm to 7am, in her swing. The first night I woke up in a panic at 6am thinking OMG I didn't hear Maddy, a mere two feet away from me, cry. I must have slept through it! But then.... Then she did it AGAIN!

I was hooked. The girl had tricked me! She could sleep, I just needed her to sleep in her crib! The next day I ran to Barnes and Noble and bought 4 sleep training books, one at each end of the spectrum. I stayed up ALL night, as Maddy blisfully slept in her swing, researching how to train naps, feeding schedules, bed time routines.

And then it all went to hell. I tried to get her to stay up xx amount of time, take xx amount of minute naps after xx amount of time. I'll admit it now, I drank the punch of a self proclaimed sleep expert. It was a bit ridiculous and in my honest opinion was an unachievable solution.

I cried to my mommy friends that I had NO idea what I was doing. I was horrible parent for even trying to sleep train, and needed to know what the hell was wrong with me ? They bought me a beer and told me... NOTHING! I was doing nothing wrong, Maddy was perfect, and quite normal.

So then I read the books AGAIN and after 4 days of writing down everything that Maddy did, we came up with a plan. Three nights later, lots of coffee and one sob fest phone call to my sister in law, Maddy slept through the night.

Note.... I'm not going to get into the specifics of how we came up with this plan and why I think it worked for us, but if you've got more questions shoot me an email.

Easy-peasy right? WRONG! Crying it out has only gotten harder and harder. It still works, and I'm still a believer. Most days it only takes 2-5 minutes before she is out, but some days... oh dear, some days we go 1 hour+ . For the most part when these battle of the wills occur, I can look in her room to find her playing with a toy and "fake" crying.

The rough days include tears. And the tears, oh my the tears. Here's a picture of Maddy, full on sob fest. Do you see the tears dripping from her chin?

Pathetic, I know.

Crying it out has been a game of trial and error, full of long term successes and epic failures. I wish I could say it was (IS) easy, but I'm slowly learning no parenting choice is easy.

About 30 minutes ago, I picked up my daughter from her crib, who was sleeping, just to hold her. I missed her and wanted to snuggle. It was a ricky decision, that thankfully didn't result any tears. Instead she softly babbled, hugged my chest and fell quickly back asleep while I sang her a lullaby. It was worth the risk because I know these moments are fleeting.

(sigh)

The only thing that has come easy, is the love.

When Two Worlds Meet

2009-11-01T18:49:00.000-08:00

Daddy in his suit. Maddy rocking a (pink) mohawk.

Blog Challenge #5

2009-10-30T10:18:00.000-07:00

What is your favorite Halloween candy of all time?

Duh..... caramel covered apples!! My mom used to make them for my entire class every year in elementary school. Now, being a mother, I have NO idea how she had time do that as a single mom!

It seriously boggles my mind!

15 Weeks

2009-10-28T09:00:00.000-07:00

Thanks Laura for helping me out with coming up with a training plan. I am really exited and a little nervous, but this made training seem much more doable for me.

On a side note.. that means 16 wks til Maddy's 1st birthday?!?! I remember when I used to post in weeks while pregnant and when Maddy was an itty bitty munchkin. WHY do we do that to ourselves?!?! It makes time seem a lot shorter.

No words.

2009-10-27T13:29:00.000-07:00

Taken from Queen of Spain blogger at BlogHer

"Police in Richmond, California say a 15-year old girl was gang raped at school, during Homecoming.
Let me repeat that. Gang raped AT SCHOOL."

You can read more hear about Fairy tale homecoming? no! Teen gang raped crowd looks on

Or here at abcnews.com

What is becoming of this world? This poor girl and her parents will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Love does not take away the smell of poop.

2009-10-26T12:26:00.001-07:00

Stool samples are awesome.

Can you smell the sarcasm?

Get it?

Smell?

Yes, I'm dripping with humor today.

Monday Madness

2009-10-26T08:17:00.000-07:00

Poop. There's your fair warning, stop reading if you'd prefer not to read about it.

My daughter has never taken as many baths as she has in the last 8 days. A "blow out" diaper is a nice way of putting it, but Maddy's had diarrhea for the last 8 days. 8 days and its only getting worse. And the smell... oh god the awful smell.

Pungent. That's the best word I can come up with.

Vision: Me/Matt running a naked laughing albeit very smelly baby as quickly as we can to the bathtub, covering our noses and dryheaving into our shirts... yelling OH GOD, WHY MADDY WHY?! IS IT ON ME?!

Since Maddy was a newborn, our combating schedules and limited time have made it difficult to be consistent with baths. We bathed her, but it was usually only once a week. I think we even went 10 days once. Bad, bad parents, I know... but hey she lived, JUST FINE. So its been a nice change to know she's getting bathed daily, if not twice or three times a day.

On the bright side of the last 8 days, we found the Primo Baby EuroBath ... 1) Maddy loves it 2) Matt has started to do solo-baths.

Ok I'm done with the poop conversation.

If you haven't noticed, Halloween is THIS Saturday. How is that even possible?

Halloween Pumpkin Patch 2009 - Maddy 8 months

Ah-mazing.

2009-10-25T20:03:00.001-07:00

I ran a 10k this morning.

No idea how since I was sick last week, but I ran the whole 6+ miles. Crossing that finish line. Felt... AMAZING. Whats the word I'm looking for.... "accomplished". I'm so proud of my fellow grape stompers, among us we did a 5k, 10k, and a few even dared the half marathon.

Way to go gals! We rocked Livermore Grape Stomp 2009!

Next up a fun holiday run The Bah Humbug Run in San Ramon. A couple of us are thinking of decorating our strollers for fun, got any good ideas for a theme?

A friend has peaked my interest in doing a half marathon to celebrate making it through our first year in motherhood, so ladies and gentleman, what do you think....

To half? Or not to half?

Runs I'm considering

Kaiser SF Half Marathon

See Jane Run Half Marathon

I've always wanted to do a turkey trot

Blog Challenge # 4

2009-10-22T20:14:00.000-07:00

What was your (or your child's) "best" Halloween costume ever? (Bonus points for photos!)

I love couples costumes. Matt hates it. Every year I try to get him on board but mostly fail.

In 2007, after a month of trying to convince Matt to dress up together, I come to find out (by text no-less) that Matt has changed his mind and will be going as Dirk Nowitski, the power forward for the Dallas Mavericks.

My husband is a quirky man, and he'll be the first to admit it. We all laugh about his quiet obession with Dirk & the basketball team (mind you my husband is not from Dallas, nor has he ever been)

When I got the text from Matt, telling me he was already in "costume" this bright light went off in my head.... I should dress up as Dirks #1 fan.... aka Matt!!

After consulting with my brother in law I came up with this:

In 2007 if you ran into my husband, on any given day he would be wearing a plaid button up, his Dickies shorts, a shiny watch, socks up to his calfs, Vans, sunglasses on the back of his head. He also has an obsession with phones. We counted it once, in 2007 he went through 19 phones. (granted he worked at Cingular now AT&T) So I had about 4 dummy phones on me.

The sign was just an extra touch.

The plan:

Matt worked until 7pm. I was to meet up with his sister and family for neighborhood trick or treating with the kids. Matt would meet up with us once he was done. He had no clue of my costume, but I wanted to surprise him when he showed up.

It actually played out even better than I thought. When Matt showed up I started running up to him yelling "I love Dirk" ...."Dirk's #1"... "We love you".... "

You get the picture. It was awesome, but probably more awesome in person.

So here we are, Dirk and his #1 Fan: Matt Z.

Blog Challenge #3

2009-10-22T13:37:00.000-07:00

When did you know you were a grown-up?

wait.... I'm a grown up? No one told me!

I kid, I kid. In all serious-ness, I'm still young, and still growing. Particularly in the last month or so I've been experiencing some growing pains.

But there is also a part of me that feels like I've been a grown up for too long. Long before I had to, because of unfair circumstances and bad decisions by real grown ups.

When did I know I was a grown up? I don't think I can pin point it down, but here's a good shot.

...When *I* chose to go to therapy for being sexually abused as a child.

...When I packed my brothers lunch bag every day, and drove him to school because my mom was sick and couldn't even get out of bed.

... When I chose to move back to CA, away from my college "friends" (who were really bad for me) to be healthy, to get *me* back, even if it meant losing the few good friends and a job that I loved.

... When I bought my first business suit.

... When my fiance called to tell me he was layed off, the day before christmas.

... When I bought my first pregnancy test.

... When I walked through the massive church doors to marry a wonderful man.

... When I reached out to my father and started re-building our relationship.

... When I heard Madelynn's first cry.

I'm still working on growing up. More to come. ;-)

If You Were a Fly On Our Wall

2009-10-21T09:51:00.000-07:00

A narrative from Tuesday evening about 9:30

Me: Hey Matt you want to go check in on Maddy with me?

Matt: Ummm really? Isn't she sleeping?

Me: Yes, but I want to make sure she isn't cold.

Matt: You're right, we should go check on her.

We quietly tiptoed into the room and peered over into the crib. Both of us just stood there and gazed at our beautiful little girl. I fixed her blanket and covered her feet. With her eyes still closed she let out a sleepy sigh, wiggled her nose and moved off into the next dream.

Matt: I really do love her.

Me: Me too.

Monday Madness

2009-10-12T09:31:00.000-07:00

I started walking 11 days after I had Maddy. 8 months later I finished my first 5k.

... Andd it felt soooooooooooooo good.

Maddy joined me for the race. I pushed the stroller all 3.2 miles around San Ramon and only clipped 4-5 ankles along the way.

(so glad Sophie survived the race too)

I won't say that I'm in the best shape, but I'm in better shape than a month ago, and much better shape than 2 months ago. I'd like to start tracking the miles I run each week. (Anyone have tips on how to track?) Maybe have a goal for the year. Not sure what an appropriate goal would be either? Any tips/help would be appreciated.

Mommy Will Wipe Away The Tears

2009-10-06T14:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Madelynn,

The one thing I struggled with the most after I miscarried, was watching your niece or nephew call out for their mother when they were crying. It broke my heart when I couldn't comfort them and they called for their own mommy.

And then I had you.

From Day 1 you weren't a big cryer. But oh boy, if we didn't make a bottle fast enough or looked at you the wrong way, those beautiful blue eyes would be full of crocodile tears. We'd laugh, wipe away those tiny tears and tease you, in our house you were known as "our little faker".

As the months have passed, your patience has grown and the tears are not as frequent these days, but they still come. Teeth (don't even get me started on the tears that follow attempting to brush said teeth), bumps and bruises, getting stuck on your pretty pink dress attempting to crawl, bad dreams, offering food you just doesn't care for anymore (because squash was the *it* food last month, NOT this month) can all flood your eyes with tears.

I still laugh, (cause you look so pathetic... I can say that because I am your mother) squeeze you tight with a big bear hug , and kiss the tears away.

And each time, when the first tear begins to roll down your cheek, and you look to me, reach for me and rest your head on my shoulder, I will always remember how I wanted for you so long, and you fixed my broken heart.

Here is my promise to you Madelynn:

For as long as you need, and for as long as you don't, for as small as the tears are and as big as you get, for the first boy who breaks your heart, or the first tumble that breaks your leg....

Mommy will always wipe away the tears.

Thank you for filling my heart up with your tears.

Love,
Mommy

(I've added The Joys of Motherhood slideshow to share some of my favorite tears)

Blog Challenge #2

2009-10-06T13:49:00.001-07:00

This will be short & quick. But I wanted to get it in.

Do you enjoy reading?

YES!!!

What do you read and when?

Gosh, I'll try just about anything. But if I don't like it by page 100, I'm done. I put it down and move on.

I love a good sad story. Yup, you read that write. Nothing like an emotional journey, something that can move me to tears, a life lesson, new life, loss, death, seperation, grief, madness. I particular enjoy books that come full circle but don't have a happy ending.

Its not that I find joy in reading other peoples pain & sorrow. I find myself really thinking about my situation, how I can relate, how I can't, what lessons I can learn, what perspective I can gain.

Plus I really do like reading about other peoples pain & sorrow.

Second up, I really enjoy books that can incorporate history & politics into them. I just read a book on Abraham Lincoln and Depression ... why would this appeal to me??

Here's whats on the cover: How Depression Challenged a President and Fueled His Greatness.

SOLD!

(p.s. I was a political science major)

What's your favorite book ever?

Ever? As in the best book I've ever read?? Gosh I don't think I can narrow it down.

Here are a few....

Their Eyes Were Watching God
KiteRunner
Book of Joe
Dry
A Thousand Splendid Suns
My Sisters Keeper
The Lovely Bones
Water for Elephants
How to Talk to A Widower
The Tortilla Curtain
The Awakening
Whats the Matter with Kansas? : How Conservatives Won The Heart of America
Red State, Blue State, Rich State, Poor State: Why Americans Vote the Way They Do
The Book Thief
The Time Travelers Wife

Monday Madness

2009-10-06T06:34:00.000-07:00

My husband's PFL is coming to an end. Today is his first day back at work. I'm nervous about my stress level rising. But we've got a plan. I'm feeling good. Healthy. Better. I'd prefer it stay that way. I'm so glad he was able to use this opportunity to get some things done and help our family, even if it didn't help our checking account.

Plus he got to hang out with the Madster, and whats better than that?

Can't really explain the two of them together. 7.5 months old and she is SUCH a daddy's little girl. Momma may get giggles for being silly but you should you hear the deep belly laughs that come from Maddy when Daddy walks in the room. You can tell she thinks the world of him.

Some days I'm jealous, but mostly it warms my heart.

(fabulous photo by Megsextonphotography.com)

Monday Madness

2009-09-28T14:33:00.000-07:00

Did I jinx myself when I started this Monday Madness thing?

I didn't really want madness to happen, but alas...

Maddy has Impetigo . I thought it was a heat rash. When I mentioned this small blister that popped to the advice nurse she thought it was best to be seen. Thank goodness.

Guess what else I learned at Maddy's Dr' appt:

Maddy weighs 22lbs 13oz.

I am in awe at how fast she has grown. She is almost THREE times the size she was when she was born. She's growing like a weed. And she just gets cuter and cuter by the ounce.

Blog Challenge #1: Why do you blog?

2009-09-24T12:18:00.000-07:00

If I haven't mentioned it before, I'm a member of a fabulous community called The Nest. I found them through a local newlywed board and have met some fabulous nesties, whom most of them I now call friends.

(Did I also mention we call ourselves nesties? Yeah.. we're cool like that.)

When I started to recover emotionally from my second miscarriage I began lurking on this other local board (part of The Nest) called "The Baby Board" and to date have become a pretty active member on this board. Its a pretty rockin' board. Great resource, with some pretty kick ass ladies. Always challenging me. Constantly reminding me to hug my kid. Appreciate life, view life from a different lens and inspiring me to grow in different ways.

I've taken on this challenge: Bumpie Blog Challenge

The prompt: Why do you blog? What do you hope to get out of participating in this challenge?

Why do I blog? Well from a historical perspective, I started blogging when I needed help to recover from some major life events. I had two miscarriages, was hospitalized from my asthma, and got married. I started The Hazmatic Asthmatic (which I still give myself a pat on the back for that pretty sweet blog name). It was a place for me to be honest about my feelings. My fears, my hopes, the reality of everything.

Then I got pregnant and I wasn't quite ready to share with the world. I was scared out of my mind about losing another pregnancy. But I secretly wanted to be happy, to scream from the rooftops "I'M PREGNANT". So I created "Baby McLovin is in the Oven" (clever name actually made up with help of another nestie), following the ups and downs of pregnancy from week to week.

And then I had the baby. I had no idea what to blog about anymore. I didn't want to write updates about the baby. I had so much to say about ME. Motherhood.

I would stare at the screen and have nothing to type. Why? Because the thoughts that went through my head were ALL over the place. There was no direction. I felt like I was in chaos. And my life for a bit, was in chaos. Better to live in denial that you have no idea what you're doing on a daily basis then tell the whole wide world via the internet.... or rather all 61 of you following my blog. ;-) Blogging took a bit of a hiatus.

Somewhere along the lines of my post partum recovery, I realized I didn't know if I could be honest with myself about everything. But I knew I wanted to. Who else better to hold you accountable then your internet friends?!

Why do I blog? Because I hope to share my journey through motherhood with others.

Ha..

No, my reason is purely selfish. I blog because it helps me get through tough and more pleasant times. I don't have to go home and say it aloud or to anyone. But I can blog about it, write it in some way shape or form, relieving my brain from being the only place where these thoughts reside.

I don't know if it helps others, but if sharing my own thoughts & experiences helps others, awesome.

What do you hope to get out of participating in this challenge?

I anticipate it will make me blog a little bit more frequently. Maybe even prompt me to write about things that I normally wouldn't. What I am looking forward the most to is reading others perspectives.

Who's that crazy lady singing Freedom in the grocery store?

2009-09-21T15:11:00.001-07:00

I went 4 days without Maddy. Four days without hugs or kisses or goodnight moon. All in all, it wasn't that bad, rough moments but I got through it with a little help.

So can I tell you something? Do you know how free'ing the experience was? I never realized how much I do for others on a daily basis until I didn't have to do half of it anymore. The first time this thought dawned on me was in the middle of the grocery cereal aisle. Usually I'm picking a cereal that both my husband and I will like. The budgeteer in me will usually cave and just buy the one he likes (because he's picky as hell when it comes to cereal, and don't even get me started on Peanut Butter.. chunky vs. creamy is a daily battle in our house) so we don't have to have two different kinds.

But this week... no, no, no... I was able to pick my very OWN cereal. And then, you should have seen the grin on my face when I realized I had no one to rush home to, no one to make dinner for, no one to read Good Night Moon to.

While I missed my family dearly, I was crazed with this temporary independence. I wanted to run with my shopping cart down Aisle 11, singing FREEDOM!!! Each day I found myself doing things I normally can't find time for. Going to the gym.. for OVER an hour, putting on eyeliner, reading a book... on a "school night".

A big thanks to my husband first for providing this break, and secondly for listening to me when I told you how much I miss some of this independence.

I'm a big "lessons learned" gal. So what does this all mean for me?

For my sanity, I'm committed to tackling 1 thing for myself EVERY DAY. Even if it means I miss out on 30 minutes with Maddy, because that 30 minutes makes me a much happier momma. I've stopped focusing on shedding the baby weight, and instead I'm focusing on energizing my body. Working out makes me happy. Even if I don't lose a single pound I feel 1000x better after a good sweat session. So for now, I'm committting to 30 minutes of working out on work days.

What's 1 thing you can do for YOURSELF today?

Monday Madness

2009-09-21T14:58:00.001-07:00

Maddy woke up one morning in LA and her earring had fallen out. Matt couldn't find it at first, but after a quick body search he found that the earring fell down her onesie and was tucked neatly away in her belly button, the perfect lil storage place for such items.

The girl is 7 months old and already wants her belly button pierced... All I can say is we are in TROUBLE!

3 days later after a failed attempt with some cute heart shaped earrings Nana Chile bought for her, Maddy was pleased with the earrings we chose at Kohls# and sported them at a wedding this past weekend.

Monday Madness.

2009-09-14T08:00:00.000-07:00

Hoping to keep up a weekly post titled Monday Madness.

This week I'm posting a picture of my gym bag. In it you would find running shoes, sports bra, running shorts, my favorite running socks, my inhaler, and

wait... ???

A baby blanket ???

Yes its one of Maddy's blankets. Matt and Maddy took off early Sunday morning to visit family in LA. I will be joining them Thursday morning (thankyouverymuch amazing JetBlue deal) but until then I am solo at the house. For FOUR days. BY MYSELF!

Did I mention that I have the entire house to myself?!

This isn't the first time I've gone a night away from Maddy, but its the first time I've been home without her. As I got into bed last night, and rolled over to turn on the monitor, my mood quickly changed when I realized it was gone. She wasn't there.

I tossed and turned for about an hour and finally kicked off the sheets and got up. FUDGE! I couldn't sleep. I had the whole damn bed to myself, what was wrong with me?

After sticking my head into the fridge for about 10 minutes thinking that some kind of food could make it all better, I headed into Maddy's room. I thought her empty bed would make me sad, but I wasn't. She was in LA with all her favorite toys sleeping next to her favorite person of the month, aka Daddy and she had her loveys (that I secretly rubbed all over myself so that she wouldn't forget my smell).

I picked up one of her blankets left behind to fold and put away, when the smell of Madelynn hit me like a train. The smell was probably more potent because, err... well... I need to wash her blankets more often. But it was there. And it smelled so good. (Seriously someone should think about bottling that shit)

I headed back to bed to snuggle with her blanket. It wasn't anywhere near as good as snuggling with her. But at I did fall asleep thinking of her beautiful smile and the smell of kissing her sweet face.

So don't tell anyone, but I'm a 20 something mom walking around with a security blanket in her bag, hoping it will make these next 4 days fly by.

Just another day.

2009-09-11T09:49:00.000-07:00

We've been trying to work out the kinks of Maddy's schedule. Wanna see what it looks like??

...........................................

Oh wait, one would need to be ON a schedule in order for me to post about it.

(sigh)

Test.

2009-09-09T10:03:00.003-07:00

WTF is up with my blog? I can't see ANYTHING????

What is that?

2009-09-09T08:30:00.000-07:00

I think Maddy is having an allergic reaction to something. Not sure what. But she's got little red hive looking bumps all over her bum and back.

Maybe she's allergic to not being in Tahoe. I know I am.

(and because a picture always makes a post better, here's Miss Fancy in her blue bow)

Grabby McGraberson.

2009-09-08T12:53:00.001-07:00

Long gone are the days I can hold Maddy in my lap at a restaurant.

Ok so now you're really going to think I'm crazy.

2009-09-03T23:02:00.001-07:00

Hell I'm up. Not a sole is online. Twitter, Facebook, Gmail, The nest, The bump. No one.

Just to completely contradict the last post, I have to tell you. I have fallen OVER THE MOON in love with Maddy. I mean I have a slight baby crush on her. I beam with pride. I wake up early just to hear the morning wake up. She's screaming bloody murder 5 min in when she realizes "What the fuck lady give me my effing food!!" But those first few minutes she's so cute. I love the little half sleepy faces that turn to happiness when she sees my face or toy or her foot (note we are all of equal value). Like "what?!?! It's morning.. HOW EXCITING!!"

I literally naw on her chubber thighs and give her kisses and rasberries all over. I will do just about anything to get a laugh out of her. I'm like a 13 yr old boy with a crush on his 16 yr sisters BFF.

I am quite smitten with my almost 7 month old baby.

How does this translate into the crazy below?? Well.. thats just it. I DON'T GET IT?!?!? How do I have all of those feelings but still be absolutely crazy about my kid. Isn't PPD you don't love your kid? You don't feel attached? I HAVE those feelings??

Well, turns out there are lots of layers to the post partum hormonal roller coaster. I struggle with loving my kid SO much that I don't want to leave. I can't leave. I have to leave, but I don't. Fuck. Now I'm late. Wait. But what if a,b,c happens and Matt doesn't do x,y,z. And omg how did I let her CIO last night when now she has a tooth?? How did I not know???

Let me tell you having two of my biggest fears come true in the last month didn't help.

First... Asthma attack while rocking/feeding Maddy. Only to barely get her in the crib, get my nebulizer started, only to pass out in a pile of my own vomit. 911 text Matt & my mom. All the while Maddy screams and screams in her crib.

Then walking into Maddy's crib a couple weeks ago to see her arm limp. Here's a visual, I picked it up and it fell back to the bed. It ended up being a dislocated elbow, nothing serious. But for 4 hours I was FREAKING OUT!

If you thought I was overprotective then. Just add some major mommy guilt...

I don't no where I would be without my wonderful friends and support board on thebump.com. They really helped me get over most of the fears/guilt...

There's still quite a bit of residual guilt, and I'm a bit too overprotective now.

But it all stems from this overwhelming love I have for Madelynn. And it grows every.single.day.